My mother holding me when I was two months old. Atchison, Kansas. Feb. 1965. Photo by Larry Vessar.

I like to open Apple Music and have it randomly play tunes from my library favorites list. Every so often, a song pops up that forces a memory upon me. Sometimes it is a happy memory, other times it is a thought provoking memory, and at times the memory that is evoked is one that sends me into the well of sorrow. Today as the music filled my office, a song popped up that I was not expecting. Cinderella’s “Hard to Find the Words” from their 1994 album Still Climbing. It is a great, unknown song from a virtually unknown last studio album… unless you are a die-hard Cinderella fan. I stopped writing and just sat and listened to the song. “Hard to Find the Words” encapsulates some of my feelings in regard to losing my mother so suddenly. Before I knew it, I was sobbing.

Still Climbing. Cinderella’s last studio album released in 1994.

As the song played, I found myself thinking about my mother and how I ached to talk with her and to hug her. She passed away unexpectedly in March of 2007. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I want to write about her, but it is difficult and, quite frankly, I can’t find the words.  My mom taught my brother and I how to live and she was always there to pick us up when we fell or encourage us when we were down. Did I always appreciate her like I should? The honest answer is no. Did I always understand? Again, no not always. I wish there had been a magic wand that my mother could have waved over my head to make me instantly understand everything she told me and did for me. Sadly, that magic wand only exists in the knowledge we gain growing up. Many years have passed now and, as the song says, I’ve lived them the best I could. I will continue to strive to be the man I know she wanted me to be. Thank you for your love mama, as it is definitely what made this boy a man. And still I remain. 

My mother and I circa 1966. Somewhere, USA. Photo by Larry Vessar.

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